Fatal Error 666 |
Fatal Error 666
Your computer may be possessed.
The page you are looking for is currently unavailable because you have opened the door to another realm and spirit forces may have gained control over your computer. There is no need to panic. However if you know how to pray you should seriously consider saying a few; demons love a good laugh.
From the Weekly World News...
SAVANNAH, Ga.-- Your computer may be possessed by a demon, a leading minister warns.
"While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls," said the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an upcoming book, The Devil in the Machine. Demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a human being. And today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard drives to accommodate Satan or his pals.
"Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit," the minister confirmed. The Savannah clergyman says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers.
"I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic websites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations.
"Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally.
"One woman wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.'"
The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the parishioner's computer himself. To his surprise, an artificial intelligence program fired up -- without him clicking it on. "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he recalls. "It typed out, 'Preacher, you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.'"
Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like gobbledygook.
"I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"
Since, then, Rev. Peasboro has researched the problem further and uncovered alarming facts. "I learned most of the youths involved in school shootings like the tragedy at Columbine were computer buffs," he said. "I have no doubt that computer demons exerted an influence on them."
The minister estimates that one in 10 computers in America now houses some type of evil spirit. Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in for servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently.
If you think your computer is possessed by a demon, please try the following to break the demonic possession of your computer:
Turn off your computer and immediately call the Tech Support Department of your computers manufacturer. Inform them that your computer is possessed. Once they finish laughing at you explain your problem in detail.
If your computer manufacturer tech support department will not stop laughing, try calling 6-666-666-6666 and speak to a friendly Web help representative that goes by the name of ZUUL.
Contact your Internet service provider (ISP). Tell them your computer has been possessed by an evil spirt. Ask them to disconnect you immediately. If necessary take sledge hammer to computer.
If your Network Administrator has enabled it, your system can examine your network and automatically disconnect you by performing an exorcism.
If you are in desperate trouble, pee in your hard drive. This is not advisable and should be considered as a last resort only.
- No, not really. We are just kidding
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